My Emo Moments (//.-)

While I was weighing things while I am sitting in my room, I realized that I have missed a lot of things that i could have done to make me worth not just a son, a lover, a friend, and individual and a future family man. 

I came to realize that I have been empty all the time. None has been accomplished by myself. Nothing has happened for those past years and past months. 

I came to realize that I have neglected a lot of things or have thought much about things selfishly. 

I do have my right of giving myself a break but things have been so fast that I was not able to look after what I have done and what have not done for me, myself and for the people around me. 

I was ALONE all the time that I was not so sure why I have been so empty until this day.

A Post Christmas Post

It has been just 4 days when the new year came in. Looking at those Christmas lights and the gaily decorated Christmas tree inside our apartment, I then realize its funny how time was so fast. I can still feel the warmth of happiness i felt when we bought the Christmas decorations and now I am to undress the tree and give time for the lights to temporarily rest and back by the next 362 days or less. 

Undressing the Christmas tree, i feel like there has been some mishaps on the holiday by the way i see it. There has been something that has let me wonder why I am so early to keep the decorations and wait till the next yule season to come. Maybe it was when i see myself I was in a situation where everything has caused me pain. 

Sad but I have to wait for the right time to forget those. I got to move on and continue.

The holiday maybe over but the pain i felt on that holiday was way beyond i couldn't imagine. I doubt if I still can think properly.

I Was Born Today 30 years ago; but i am not here

My first post for the year 2011 along with celebrating my special natal day. It is indeed my birthday today but I seem not seeing the essence of a celebration. I was asleep for the whole afternoon yesterday waiting for miracles and blessings but when I woke up, the same old feeling of being left out. Sad and I am so being rude before the year starts.

Anyways, I got to thank a lot of person who text me and sent some message with those "HAPPY BIRTHDAYS and HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I appreciate the thought of it and I mean it. Its just that I'd rather be silent today and stop thinking about this damn birthday thing co'z its just give me the time to think of the people I hated on this day. Literally, I mean hate!!!

I hate them because I expected for so much. Now I know that too much expectations can only ruin my belief that happiness is just around the corner. Sometimes we need to believe that miracles aren't real and that expect the worst of everything or you will end up wetting your pillow for the whole damn year. 

I always wanted to be happy on this day and since this is my 30th birthday, I now realize that life really starts here. At this very age and at this very point. I don't want to wonder how is it possible but the hang of it is now enveloping me whole. Sad but that is what I have perceived. 

1. 

Since its my 30th year, I got 30 list of unexpected wishes.

1. I wish I never lived.
2. I wish I never lived.
3. I wish I never lived. 
4. I wish I never lived. 
5. I wish I never lived.
6. I wish I never lived. 
7. I wish I never lived. 
8. I wish I never lived.
9. I wish I never lived. 
10. I wish I never lived.
11. I wish I never lived.
12. I wish I never lived.
13. I wish I never lived.
14. I wish I never lived.
15. I wish I never lived.
16. I wish I never lived.
17. I wish I never lived.
18. I wish I never lived.
19. I wish I never lived.
20. I wish I never lived.
21. I wish I never lived.
22. I wish I never lived.
23. I wish I never lived.
24. I wish I never lived.
25. I wish I never lived.
26. I wish I never lived.
27. I wish I never lived.
28. I wish I never lived.
29. I wish I never lived.
30. I wish I never lived.

Surprisingly, reality has moved my senses. I was born invisible ever since. And surprisingly, I lived in this world alone but has been communicating with this creatures called homo sapiens. I am an alien. I was never real and I was never been here, really. 

Thirty years has been long enough to figure this thing out of myself. I mean, if I have only known from the start, I wouldn't have choose this sole journey. I would have remained someone unnoticed until my last breath. I wouldn't have changed my history and I wouldn't have been involved with this great thing called life. Its an amazing fact though that despite of this reality, I was able to survive. Me survived this realms of opaque possibilities. Me survived this hideous world of deception, lies and emotional terrorism. That's how I have been after all this years. 

 

If I would be given a chance to live another decade, I would choose then to just put myself in my own cell and shield myself with my own world neglecting the people whom I call special and giving myself a break to take what my mind come up with. Gracefully would exit every time I am in a crowd or would rather be left alone in a deserted island with those Blue October hymns playing on my background. A grand of the grandest when it comes to being left out. Just as I thought, I am good being invisible. I am good with pretending to be present but actually I was not around. That is the real me. The real me who never believe in this so called life. 

Anyways, its time to blow this imaginary candle on this imaginary cake covered with imaginary icing given to me with imaginary. Whoosh! Blows the winds and off the lights. My wish are now traveling together with the uncertainties of the directions of the winds. Alas! Reality of life!